Sanjiwan Pradhan
Dr. Bruce Lipton, an American developmental biologist, says that a fetus is highly influenced by what the mother eats, feels, and behaves during pregnancy.
“Along with nutrition, the emotional chemistry, hormones, and stress factors controlling the mother’s responses to life experiences cross the placental barrier and influence fetal physiology and development. When the mother is happy, so is the fetus. When the mother is in fear, so is the fetus. When the mother rejects her fetus as a potential threat to family survival, the fetal nervous system is programmed with the emotion of being rejected,” Mr. Lipton states on his website.
This helps us understand that the exchange between a fetus and a mother shapes the child on both physical and psychological levels: a happy mother during pregnancy stimulates a rush of dopamine to the fetus, encouraging the child to lead a happy life. On the other hand, stress hormones, such as cortisol, pass into the fetus if the mother feels stressed during pregnancy. This makes it easy to understand that if even a slight suicidal thought arises in a mother during pregnancy, it may affect the fetus.
Consequently, the child may grow up with suicidal tendencies for no apparent reason.
What might have happened during Shaheen’s mother’s pregnancy?
What feelings did her mother experience?
Were there any causes that led to the struggles in Shaheen’s life?
We don’t know. Perhaps we must patiently wait for another memoir, this time from her mother.
Until then, let’s delve into Shaheen’s journey.
Subconscious Programming by Her Parents
Early in her teens, Shaheen wrote in her journal about her parents’ expectations and her failure to meet them. These unreasonable expectations programmed her subconscious, creating a belief system: I am no good.
This seems to reinforce what may have occurred earlier. We develop belief systems when something negative or positive happens repeatedly.
As she grew up, Shaheen continued writing about her gloomy feelings. However, this habit did not help her. Instead, it pushed her further into an abyss of suicidal thoughts, with a few unsuccessful attempts.
Society Reinforces Her Preexisting Inferiority Complex
She recalls a painful incident when she was asked to move out of the camera frame so the photographer could take a picture of Alia Bhatt and Pooja Bhatt, the stars of the moment. This made her feel like she didn’t fit in, that Alia and Pooja were more beautiful than her.
This impacted her on a much deeper level.
“Even today, almost two decades later, looking at those photographs makes me self-conscious and uneasy,” she wrote in the book.
A News Article Teaches Her About Suicide
Here, I would like to humbly draw the attention of reporters and news writers who may stumble upon this review: what and how you write makes a difference.
Once you understand the negative impact your reporting can have, you will avoid reporting irresponsibly—unless you are a ruthless newsmonger, devoid of human sentiments.
In the book, Shaheen writes, “Looking back now, I know my preoccupation with the idea [of suicide] came from an irresponsible romanticizing of suicide in the way it was reported. The article suggested that the young girl, whose life had ended tragically and prematurely, was now free.”
The reporter’s careless writing added fuel to the fire.
Suicide never brings freedom.
Instead, it ends all the freedoms one can enjoy while alive.
Yes, you may face pain and unexpected struggles in life. But, in return, you will also grow immensely, gain a better understanding of life, and discover your strength.
What else can grant you this, besides pain and struggle?
“I don’t want to die. I just want my pain to stop—even if it costs me my life.”
It seems confusing to learn that a depressed person doesn’t want to commit suicide; they just want their pain to end somehow.
I once watched an interview with a man who jumped off a London bridge, intending to kill himself. In the interview, he said that as soon as he hit the water, he gasped for oxygen. In that moment of darkness, all he wanted was to regain the ability to float to the surface. He didn’t want to die. He just wanted the power to conquer his pain, which had been overwhelming him.
Shaheen also sheds light on this feeling, offering more detail and precision.
Her Father Comes to Her Rescue
I once read somewhere: “You can learn more in an hour spent in the company of a wise person than in ten years of schooling.”
That one hour can wake you up and offer an epiphany.
This happened when Mahesh Bhatt, Shaheen’s father, spoke to her.
Sitting beside her, perhaps with his hand on her, he said, “Take off your mask. You aren’t happy? Fine, you aren’t happy. One day you will be. And then you will be sad again. Accept that and stop wasting your energy chasing something that doesn’t exist. You can’t spend your life feeling bad about feeling bad.”
This can be a beautiful mantra for life if we internalize it.
Depression – An Opportunity for Growth
“I lost so much because of depression. But I also gained so much – I gained perspective,” Shaheen writes. However, this only happens when you are ready to fight back the phantoms.
Takeaway Messages:
- Try to remain happy during pregnancy. If you are a man, laugh and dance with the love of your life as often as possible. Create a positive environment.
- Take care of your child’s formative years. The way you talk and behave programs the subconscious of your child. This is the age when you provide them with “sunglasses” (i.e., help them create a belief system) that they will wear for the rest of their life.
- If you feel something unusual surfacing within you, talk about it. But talk to someone you completely trust. There is no shame in discussing this illness. Almost everyone goes through it. Some win, and some, unfortunately, lose. There is always light beyond the tunnel. Never focus solely on the darkness. Focus on the light—no matter how flickering it is.
- You will be helped if you seek help. Remember what Rumi once said: “What you are looking for is also looking for you.”
Now, grab this book and embark on a journey of beautiful discoveries.
By reading and talking about this illness, you will become an agent of change, a lifesaver.
All the best,
Love,
Sanjiwan Pradhan
